Things I’ve Learned From My Children

Sent by Kathy Weart, June 14, 2000

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious!
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas (poor woman).
Things I’ve learned from my children (Honest and No Kidding):

  1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 square foot house 4 inches deep.
  2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
  3. A 3-year-old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
  4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20-by-20 foot room.
  5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
  6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
  7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh-oh”, it’s already too late.
  8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
  9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock, even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
  10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.
  11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
  12. Super glue is forever.
  13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can’t walk on water.
  14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
  15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
  16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
  17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
  18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
  19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
  20. The fire department in Austin has a 5 minute response time.
  21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make a cat dizzy and cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.