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You Know You’ve Been Drinking Way Too Much Coffee When…

Found on the Internet, September 19, 2000
Posted here April 28, 2022

• Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
• You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
• You just completed another sweater and you don’t know how to knit.
• The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.
• The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
• You’re so jittery that people use your hands to shake paint cans.
• Cocaine is a downer.
• You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.
• Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
• Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
• When you call radio talk shows, they ask you to turn yourself down.
• Your life goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
• You channel surf faster without a remote.
• You name your cats “Cream” and “Sugar.”
• You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
• You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
• You short out motion detectors.
• Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
• You think being called a “drip” is a compliment.
• You help your dog chase its tail.
• You’re up to four heart attacks a day.
• Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyd’s of London.
• You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
• You think CPR stands for “Coffee Provides Resuscitation.”
• Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
• You think Colombia would be a great vacation destination!
• You’re passing everybody on the freeway when you suddenly realize: you left your car at home!